The Better Marriage Blanket

Divorce rates are climbing every year, and finally there’s something we can do about it. No, not counseling. Not being open and honest either. Rather, it’s a blanket that can absorb your farts. Break out the checkbooks.

Product. The better marriage blanket is a blanket that looks and feels like a real comforter, but has a secret layer of activated carbon paper on the inside. It’s the same fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons, but instead of using it against chemical weapons you can use it against your spouse’s farts. Happy day. Their infomercial (below) even promotes it as a wedding or anniversary gift.

 

 

You owe it to your marriage.

Demographics. Ok so I couldn’t find any stats on “gullible newlyweds” so let’s just go with married people in general. In 2014 statistics show that there were 59.63 married couples in the US. This is a pretty sizable market. Let’s say that maybe 5% of them are stupid enough to buy a fart-dampening blanket. That’s still almost 3 million couples that would buy this thing! Creating an elaborate advertising campaign with high exposure and reach may turn this product from “are you f**king kidding me?” to “Hey I know someone who has that!”

I would look up statistics for “couples with problems in the bedroom” but then I said that sentence out loud and realized it was a horrible idea. So we’re just going to stick to ALL married people.

Channels. For something like this, I say go all out. Social media, print advertisements, commercials, infomercials, and digital advertisements—anything that can be done should be done. Increasing exposure means that there will be some people out there who see it and decide that it’s actually a good idea to get this for yourself, or your partner, or anyone who are in any kind of relationship ever.

It would be ideal for health professionals to recommend this to married patients who have flatulence problems. This way health issues would not cause problems to intimate couples. But, much like protein ketchup, no self-respecting doctor is going to endorse something like the Better Marriage Blanket. Maybe just get it for your frat bro from college who’s finally tying the knot as a bachelor party gag gift.

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